am now back in portsmouth and doing the things i should be doing! am staying at my aunty's house after i arrived here friday morning. have been to see my mum every day and i am being the funniest i can be for her and all my family. there is no point me being sad in front of her now as it will make her send off even worse (she is now in a hospice and there really isnt long). one thing out of this is that ive ben hanging out with my youngest brother, who is now 13. i moved out when he was one so he doesnt know me at all. he is such such such a sweet boy. nothing like his father. his head is totally in the clouds and wanders a lot. he wrtes poems. he asks a lot of questions; hes intelligent and so sweet. i feel for him so much so am trying as hard as i can to take his mind off things. i even toook him to the circus yesterday which was actually really amusing! it was a small one in southsea and the people performing looked like russian crack addicts! most of the cast were from eastern europe and they have got some skillllllls in the gymnatsic departments!

with work, i am trying to work as hard as possible also. at the moment i am pathing the route for me to change direction. at the moment i'm working with this polish techno artist who turned me on to a polish experimental composer, check him here!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krzysztof_Penderecki

i finally had the musical weekend of dancing joy i have been looking for all summer! not bad for three months in. it started on sunday at space for the night i have been waiting for all summer! mr garnier, aka my favourite DJ everrrrr. saw a bit of miss kittin first and then danced to laurent for 3 hours, only moving once to go to the toilet! was amazing and everyone said how they couldnt stop dancing also after,i went back to sarah and mark's and sat up drinking cava and chatting with sarah until midday, then home to bedddd.

yesterday it was time for dc10! i went last week but didnt give it the full attention it deserved due to being not in the mood and the club being too busy. me and sara danced soooo much! rhadoo and pedro were very good, tania vulcano was okay and luciano was ammmmazing. two/three years ago he played a pretty 'one sound' kind of set, which was amazing at the time as it was music i wasnt used to. last year he tried to diversify out a bit and it sometimes went a bit wrong - i.e. playing an acapella that didnt fit or playing a 90s house 'classic' that is massively cheesy to anyone english (mainly because it most probably went to number 1 in the charts or something). now he has totally mastered this. he played a really amazing set yesterday. it was never the same and really flowed from one style to another.. i coudlnt stop dancing for a second and it was over waaaay too quickly.. the perfect way to end mu summer.

am sad to leave now - of course i am anyway, but im really sad now!

to write in this the past few days! oddly, i only remember when i am feeling loooow. and today this is very much so. i am flying to London tonight to see my mum and it is really hitting me now how bad this could be!  sooo, what have i been up to this week? cant remember when i last wrote on this, so i will just start from friday.

friday, cat arrived! first i went to the dc10 opening for a few hours, which was fun, but nothing crazy. i picked her up from the airport and we were supposed to go direct to amnesia for jezebel, but i felt like shit and just wanted to go home, so we did! we stayed up watching the mighty boosh for  a few hours and then fell asleeep. 

saturday, went to the  st jordi market and me and cat both bought two wedding dresses each, yes two. i got one with massive puff ball sleeves and also a pink one, thats more like a fairy princess dress! cat bought two that look loverly on her, like witches outfits. i look like a cup cake.

from here we went to salinas and drunk rosado on the beach, ive not been here for years and done this! then we went to cala jondal and hung out there. also, totally spotted duncan from blue (old pop band from the 90s??) and spent about 30 minutes laughing and trying to remember one song from blue, via blackberry messanger emma sutton informed us of 'all rise' - cant remember how it goes though...  we found out that steph was also on the island which made me and cat very chuffed as i havent seen her for two years and cat around 1 year. we got in contact and arranged to meet at my fave pizzeria on talamanca for dinner! hd a lovely dinner of pasta tomato and basil (what i always order here) and then went to a full moon party with this actor dude that is stayng in my house whilst i stay with sara... turned out to not be what we expected! (me and cat bought our wedding dresses so we could run around in the full moon!).. there were about 15 proper hippies all jamming up this mountain and burning insense. strictly no alcohol allowed! i actually really liked it, but i think it freaked the girls out a little... we also found out that it was an eclipse and the day after i found out it was an aquarian eclipse! which is even better and means power to all aquarians. i havent felt it yet though...after here, i got a call from my mate carl from madness and we went to join him at a resto in st gertrudis, where he was having dinner with his famile. we stayed for a few drinks and then everyone decided to go back to carls and hang out. what an ammmazing pad! was in perfect full moon location. me and cat got our wedding dresses out especially for the occasion and carl's duaghter took piccies of us by the pool. we couldnt stop laughing! then carl gave me and cat a piano rendition of three amazing songs he has been writing... was totaly bizarre and amazing!  drove home and sleeepppt.

day after (sunday), me and cat spent day round the pool with sara and the frenchies. we went to space early, around 10ish and got drunk early because cat had to get her flight early!  i was very sad when she left and felt a bit lost to be honest. my garnier turned up for a little hang out though, so that made me happy. also, carl craig was again immense within his music so i got pretty chuffed. i kept trying to leave but something woud happen that would make me stay and ended p going to kelly and drama's house to fall asleep in their hammock under the tree

monday - felt like crap all day and went to dc10 for about 40 minutes. was faaaarrrrr too busy for me, i couldnt handle it! then went home to bed! tuesday (yesterday), popped to ibiza rocks for the streets and today i am working and readying myself to go back to england to see my mum in le hopital.  

its really weird not having myspace and facebook. im saving so much time wasting! good for me.

 been trying to clear my mind as much as possible at the moment. yesterday i went horseriding with my instructor michelle, who i totally love! she is amazing. yesterday she surpassed herself. she left me to tack up and mount whilst she went back to her house to get some fags (she always smokes when giving lessons)... i groomed, put the bridle on, then the saddle and realised she didnt leave me any stirrups. imounted anyway as i've ridden loads without stirrups (although not for years). anyway, michelle was gone at least 20 minutes so no idea what she was doing. i decided that there is obly so many times you can walk around a menarge and change reign without getting bored so did some trotting - sitting (obv) and rising, which is sooo difficult without stirrups but very rewarding! (my legs kill me today)... michelle came back and asked why i was sitting trotting and i tiold her because i had no stirrups, to which she gave a hge speach but obviosuly didnt hear me because she then asked where my stirrups were... she then attached a new set(fag in hand) and proceeded to give me a lesson watering the plants, smoking and drinking a lager. genius! the horse i rode is called Cala and myself and michelle both agreed that she is in foal which is ammmazing news! i could tell as her back end was stiff when riding and more risen and michelle can tell because she is her horse... i hope she is! i ended up jumping again which made me really happy as i used to looove this when i was younger... my favourute thing used to be cross country on my horse Sascha... and when i jumped Rosie over a 4 foot fence without falling off! anyways... yesteday on the horse was the first time i have cleared my head in god knows how long. gutted my instructor is going away for two weeks as that's pretty much me done for the summer!

stayed in last night and today did a spot of yoga.. was the first time i could actually hold positions, which is nice.

other than that... just booked to go back to uk next week to see my mum... need to make sure i am suppper strong and level headed for this or my head might just fall off!

sooo, after i finally started feeling better after i got royally dumped and shat on, I've had some other bad news.. i got a call from my aunty yesterday about my mum... my mum has had heart problems for about seven years now and it has progressively got worse... she has to go into a special heart hospital in London today to get tests for four weeks. if she is strong enough they will give her a heart transplant, if not, im not sure what wll happen... the worst case scenario is that she wont live past christmas. im not sure at all what to do or feel; as every cliche goes, i just feel numb. i cant tell people to their face or i burst out crying, but if i write it down, it makes me feel better. i found out yesterday after working all night at space and was still up watching dvds with cat at my house... not a good way to find out!  i am so glad Cat was there though... she has been through it with her dad and is going through a sad situation with her mum. ive got more mixed emotions than ive ever had in my life right now. i dont get on with my mum and havent since i left home at 14. i dont have any good memories of my mum past the age of 9, which is crazy. she is not a bad person, she is just a weak person who let a bad person do bad things to me.  my brother who is 19 now also doesnt get on with her, but for him its much worse. he doesnt even speak with her after he got thrown out when he was 15. he has no job and steals and take drugs a lot and lives somewhere in sheltered accomodation... no one has any way of getting in contact with him. he is in a bad situation and it isnt his fault.  i managed to escape... i had a good childhood until 9 so i know there are good ways, he just had a shit childhood form birth more or less (our stepdad used to beat us both both physically and mentally and my mum is still with him)... there are so many things that i need to think about here. my mum, obviously... i have a feeling she wont make it long. she is such a weak and pessimistic person, she makes herself worse. i just need to be there for her and forget everything and bring her positive energy...  my brother, how i can help him. my stepdad, how much i hate him - he did this to her. and i also have two younger brothers that are actually his (they never had the problems we did, funnily enough)... im not close with anyone in my actual family and now i need to be. ive spent 17 years trying to block this part of my life and now i have to relive it... ive moved away so many times and now i need to be back there and i cant block this. going to be weird few months.