sooo, after i finally started feeling better after i got royally dumped and shat on, I've had some other bad news.. i got a call from my aunty yesterday about my mum... my mum has had heart problems for about seven years now and it has progressively got worse... she has to go into a special heart hospital in London today to get tests for four weeks. if she is strong enough they will give her a heart transplant, if not, im not sure what wll happen... the worst case scenario is that she wont live past christmas. im not sure at all what to do or feel; as every cliche goes, i just feel numb. i cant tell people to their face or i burst out crying, but if i write it down, it makes me feel better. i found out yesterday after working all night at space and was still up watching dvds with cat at my house... not a good way to find out!  i am so glad Cat was there though... she has been through it with her dad and is going through a sad situation with her mum. ive got more mixed emotions than ive ever had in my life right now. i dont get on with my mum and havent since i left home at 14. i dont have any good memories of my mum past the age of 9, which is crazy. she is not a bad person, she is just a weak person who let a bad person do bad things to me.  my brother who is 19 now also doesnt get on with her, but for him its much worse. he doesnt even speak with her after he got thrown out when he was 15. he has no job and steals and take drugs a lot and lives somewhere in sheltered accomodation... no one has any way of getting in contact with him. he is in a bad situation and it isnt his fault.  i managed to escape... i had a good childhood until 9 so i know there are good ways, he just had a shit childhood form birth more or less (our stepdad used to beat us both both physically and mentally and my mum is still with him)... there are so many things that i need to think about here. my mum, obviously... i have a feeling she wont make it long. she is such a weak and pessimistic person, she makes herself worse. i just need to be there for her and forget everything and bring her positive energy...  my brother, how i can help him. my stepdad, how much i hate him - he did this to her. and i also have two younger brothers that are actually his (they never had the problems we did, funnily enough)... im not close with anyone in my actual family and now i need to be. ive spent 17 years trying to block this part of my life and now i have to relive it... ive moved away so many times and now i need to be back there and i cant block this. going to be weird few months.